SpenniesMy crappy laptop
February 14th 2007 03:57
WANTED: One gentle laptop with a passion for etiquette. No history of psychological disturbances. Must be cool and willing to adapt to change.
I have often wondered why we name things without first testing if they do what they say they do. For example, ‘laptop’ is a misnomer. If you’ve ever actually used one on your lap you would’ve noticed the device has clear potential to double as a portable frying pan (and possibly a radiator).
And you can’t blame its inventor, Thomas Kelly, because his model weighed 150 pounds, which makes it clear he never intended it for use outside a warehouse.
So if it proves smarter to use a laptop on a desk, and if laptops generally cost more than a computer and perform at a relatively slower pace, then why hasn’t anyone brought up the fact that it’s pointless owning one?
My first laptop was a short affair. It came without an instruction manual or a file detailing its history of psychosis, so I was taken entirely by surprise when two days into our acquaintance it started going “eek-eek-eek”.
Then it went “ugu-ugu-ugu”. Then the fan started blowing out really hot air and the mouse froze when I clicked on something. When I pressed the ‘on’ button it turned off and when I pressed the ‘off’ button it told me I had no new mail. I pressed ‘esc alt del’ and the screen began to flash. I tried to throw it out the window but it warned me that my battery was empty.
Desperate times call for desperate measures so I called on all the computer knowledge I’d gathered over my nerd-dating years. I ran the virus check. I ran a scan-disk. And just to be sure, I de-fragmented the hard-drive. But just like the Americans can’t figure out which side of the road to drive on, I can’t figure out how to use their software. Why is there still something wrong with my laptop when my laptop tells me there’s nothing wrong with it?
Time for professional advice you say.
Think again I say. My laptop came back from the servicing shop with a big note sticky-taped to its face – “Couldn’t find any problems.”
You'd think that a professional IT person would have noticed the large amount of anarchy my machine exercises each time it’s turned on. But then again they probably never got around to turning it on.
When I did however, it was having none of it. It probably heard me swearing at it under my breath. I pressed all the buttons, one by one, then all at once and then combinations. Finally, ‘on’ mixed with ‘F8’, ‘TAB’ and a dash of ‘Caps Lock’ did the trick.
A useless victory because none of the programs would open.
‘I’m filing for divorce’, I snapped at it, hitting it just below the keypad.
It hesitated, told me I had no new mail and blew a hot air fan movement before turning itself off.
I’ve been back with my PC for a month now and never been happier.
I have often wondered why we name things without first testing if they do what they say they do. For example, ‘laptop’ is a misnomer. If you’ve ever actually used one on your lap you would’ve noticed the device has clear potential to double as a portable frying pan (and possibly a radiator).
And you can’t blame its inventor, Thomas Kelly, because his model weighed 150 pounds, which makes it clear he never intended it for use outside a warehouse.
My first laptop was a short affair. It came without an instruction manual or a file detailing its history of psychosis, so I was taken entirely by surprise when two days into our acquaintance it started going “eek-eek-eek”.
Then it went “ugu-ugu-ugu”. Then the fan started blowing out really hot air and the mouse froze when I clicked on something. When I pressed the ‘on’ button it turned off and when I pressed the ‘off’ button it told me I had no new mail. I pressed ‘esc alt del’ and the screen began to flash. I tried to throw it out the window but it warned me that my battery was empty.
Desperate times call for desperate measures so I called on all the computer knowledge I’d gathered over my nerd-dating years. I ran the virus check. I ran a scan-disk. And just to be sure, I de-fragmented the hard-drive. But just like the Americans can’t figure out which side of the road to drive on, I can’t figure out how to use their software. Why is there still something wrong with my laptop when my laptop tells me there’s nothing wrong with it?
Think again I say. My laptop came back from the servicing shop with a big note sticky-taped to its face – “Couldn’t find any problems.”
You'd think that a professional IT person would have noticed the large amount of anarchy my machine exercises each time it’s turned on. But then again they probably never got around to turning it on.
When I did however, it was having none of it. It probably heard me swearing at it under my breath. I pressed all the buttons, one by one, then all at once and then combinations. Finally, ‘on’ mixed with ‘F8’, ‘TAB’ and a dash of ‘Caps Lock’ did the trick.
A useless victory because none of the programs would open.
‘I’m filing for divorce’, I snapped at it, hitting it just below the keypad.
It hesitated, told me I had no new mail and blew a hot air fan movement before turning itself off.
I’ve been back with my PC for a month now and never been happier.
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